He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
