is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
