Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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