just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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