I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
