I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
