God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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