I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
