Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
