I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
