just come out here and I will go home with you...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
