Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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