mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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