Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
