sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
