I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
