i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
