At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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