So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
