I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
