The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
