yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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