he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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