This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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