I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
