what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
