I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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