Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
