so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
