my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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