You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
