I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
