I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
