My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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