I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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