My nipple is on Facebook.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
