my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
