The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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