I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
