I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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