I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
