My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
