I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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