If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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