I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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