Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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