Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
