She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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