Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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