Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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