when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
