Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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