I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
